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I'm going to work on my New Year's Resolutions this year with renewed vigor! I've promised myself that I will cut back on my smoking...only 10 cigs a day...pay attention to my health...time to find the clinics where I can get the tests and medications I need to be as well as possible, and I'm gonna keep a positive attitude as much of the time as possible. Don't get me wrong...I still have a lot of immediate crisis's' to deal with. I have very little money to work with, but, I have a small survivors income from my late husband and I work as much part time as I can. I have a herniated disc and degenerative disease down my spine, a metal plate and 5 pins in my left leg, as well as, arthritis in my hands and cheek bones. I work out as much as I can every week...walking my dog every night and 10 minute intervals of stair climber work outs at different times throughout the day. I know that if I stop moving all together the pain and discomfort would be so much worse than it is now...I participate in a pain management clinic which gives me the ability to move! I don't have insurance so I have to find the health managment clinic where I can get my blood work and other female tests which I should be getting at my age, with my history. I don't want to leave my boys orphans! On the emotional side of my life...it's time for me to confront my father about how his treatment of me  affected my life! I'll get into that more with my next post...

It never fails to amaze me how quickly Christmas passes...after all the planning,stress and worry. It's over in a blink of an eye. Mine ended up being a nice day and evening with what's most important...my children, grandchildren, and the family and friends who are always there for the holidays. They bring presents for my teens as well as their own, just as I provide something for their children. It also never fails to amaze me how the smallest things can make children so happy. I was able to grab some books, on sale , which I made it a point to sit and read through with my grandsons and they couldn't have been happier. I hope everyone had a good holiday also and that they also got a chance to feel their "Gods" love in their lives no matter how much money they had to spend or not spend! I could've dwelt on the ugly truths of the day...after coming up with the 1100 dollars needed to fix my Jeep...having it towed back to the transmission shop the next day...I picked it up on Christmas morning only to have it start to overheat on the way to the Christmas day celebration! I stopped twice to let it cool down and refill the radiator. When I finally arrived, my oldest son took a look at the vehicle and found that the six month old water pump had blown. I was 2 hours from home with my sons and grandsons in the Jeep...we weren't gonna get home. I didn't have any of mine or my sons' medications with us, but we were stuck. We spent the night at my first husbands house with his 24 year old fiancee and her son (who thinks he should also call me "Mom"like" his stepbrother", my oldest son, does). We made it through the night and the next morning the water pump was repaired by my ex and his/my son. My God has always surrounded me with the right people at the right time...even when I didn't know it. I gratefully thanked my hosts and finally made my way home with my Jeep full of all that I love most....and I couldn't help thinking that it was a good Christmas! 

I'm so sorry about your husband...I lost mine seven years ago and it stills seems like it just happened yesterday. My boys have never gotten over it either...we've just learned how to live with the pain. I hope that you've gotten your social security survivors benefits coming in for yourself and your children...I don't know what'd I'd do without it. I only get 1000 dollars a month but it's much better than nothing. I have no presents for my boys this year and this isn't the first time since their Daddy's death. They've learned to hold out until I get my income tax return every year. They're teens now but it still makes my heart hurt. You have to do your best to stay together for your kids and I know that's easier said than done...I couldn't do it... for a while it seemed. Thankfully...my oldest son was 19 and took over looking after his brothers. I hope you have some family to help you...if they are near enough...lean on them. Don't be too proud to reach out...you don't need to be alone! God Bless you all and I'll pray for you...

I'm so sorry about your situation. I wish I had the money to help you but I'm just squeaking by. It never fails to amaze me the way our goverment seems to go out of their way to screw us instead of help us...and who were the big mouths who just had to "run and tattle"...where do these people come from...? I mean, were you really hurting anything by having your barely adult daughter (tell her I'm an old lady n she's a kid still) whos still in school stay with you while you are disabled and needing help to care for yourself and your other daughter. Yeah...I know there are rules for a reason, but come on, section 8 is supposed to be there to help house the people who need help...you and your children need help. I'll pray for you and hope you get all the help you need.

Thanks for the lovely comments. I'm hoping I'm not repeating myself...I tried to reply to your post earlier today, but I don't think I managed to log in correctly. I'm still working on getting my "web" legs...you have a beautiful baby and a very mature sounding manner. I'm so glad today that I didn't succeed in doing myself in when I was suicidal because I realize how much my children still need me...even the grown ones. My three sons gave me the most heartwarming cards for my birthday...it's today and even with no money to spare they all wrote special thoughts to me...after all they've been through too!! I hope that whatever experiences you have to live through from now on won't harsh or hurtful, but if they are, I believe you will overcome them well...thanks again.

They sound like great kids!!! Are children can usually handle these things way better than we even realize. It hurts us thinking about their feelings when they hear about their friends holidays...just stay strong for them. I'm sure something will break for you so there is at least something in their stockings...don't be shy about the tv/radio stations. I used to let my pride get in my way when I needed help...I learned that no one looked down on me when I asked for it. God Bless you all!

I think that I would go to one of the local TV or radio stations. I know that they are still collecting toys and presents so maybe you can get a few for your children. If they send you to charity's tell them you've already tried them and what they said. Bring your bank statement...your husband deserves to have his deeds put in his face. What's wrong with his Mom? I have a son who's separated from his wife and I make sure he put's his kids and her (the boys need her too) first! I'll pray for you all...if I had money I'd give it to you...my boys are teenagers and they know they're presents won't come until my income tax check does...You're all blessed with each other no matter what happens!

I am a survivor of so many different kinds of situations it's really kinda mind boggling. Starting from being a childhood survivor of physical and mental abuse from my father to domestic abuse by my first husband and a boyfriend in between my two husbands. To surviving drug and alcohol abuse, my own and the exes. I've had my children removed from me for "exposing them to domestic abuse" and I've earned my parental rights and my children back. I had 11 years of a good relationship with a man who taught me that I deserved to be loved and not blamed for anyone else's bad behavior. I survived my depression, suicidal behavior and drug/alcohol relapses after my husband was killed. I actually lived under a bridge for a month during the two years of lost time after his death and eventually I survived all the psych medications I was put on during those years also.  Four years ago I stopped taking all those meds and woke up again! I took my two sons back from my oldest son, who found himself responsible for their care when he was 19 after I gave him the boys and power of attorney because I felt I wasn't' being a good enough mother to them. Since then we've lost a mobile home in Hurricane Wilma, lived in a 30 foot FE MA trailer, and worked my way back into another mobile home. Today, my boys (oldest one included) and I live in a beautiful home in a nice area. I take care of my teens and my grandsons (for Joey who's separated from their Mom) and I know that I'm needed by them all. We're having a tough Christmas season but we all know that there are more important things than presents this time of year.   My teens didn't want me to put them on any charity lists...they want the younger kids who need help to know that they are loved too! They know that they are loved....by God...and me.  

I've already read your reply to me three times and I know that I'll probably need to read it a least a few more times. I like the concept of the inner knowing as opposed to positive thinking. I'm going to concentrate on not letting the "dire" affect me as much...well try to any way. As well as continueing to remember that "I am safe"...I like that...The negative thoughts can be lessened with knowledge, even as they continue to come on me, because I am human. I do believe that there is always something better around the corner as long as I don't let the negative overwhelm me...I've lived through quite a bit already...I am going to work on my vibrations.

Thanks,Ruth

Okay...I agree with mostly what you say, but a person has to deal with the negative vibrations also. If I try to stay in a positive mindset even while my positive plans are falling apart how does that make it work out? I mean, I need 1000 dollars to pay for the transmission work that was just done to my jeep. My oldest son had a deal set up to make the money by selling his watch...but the man brokering the sale hasn't come through...now what? It's hard to keep a positive mind set when negative stuff is happening to you! I was reading about energy vibrations in a book about Edgar Cayce recently which is why this caught my eye.

Rena...I've only just joined this site, but I know that whenever I'm losing myself over my circumstances, my kids are bound to act up in the worst ways. There are things that you still have control over...what you do and keeping your kids in the same routine. I don't know how old they are but at any age routine is important! Don't just let 'em do what they want. Take control...there are legitamate work at home companys' such as double click.com, which is a virual assistant site. I have a whole list of them in my computer which my oldest son is borrowing right now. When he brings it back home tonight or tomorrow (he's 26) I'll give you some more names and links. I don't have any other suggestions for right now. Maybe a local church can help with the repairs needed. Don't let the agency bully you...I spent 8 months with my two teen sons in a 30 foot FEMA trailor. Just care for and love the kids...that's what's important!

I am a widow with two teenage sons still at home with me. I ran across your site while looking for some legitamate grant funding resources to help me get back on my feet. After reading a couple of things on your site, I thought that it might not hurt to join it. I don't have any real friends left out there, even the ones I thought were good friends proved to be otherwise when my husband was killed. You'd think that'd be the time to step up...I have two grown children also. My oldest son helps me take care of his brothers and I help him take care of his sons...my grandsons (I have 3 and a granddaughter)...I am disabled but I'm still working part time because my survivors benefits don't cover much of anything. I don't know what I'll do when my 14 year old turns 18...they'll cut me off until I'm 62. I'm 48 now...anyway, maybe someone out there has some answers and advise for me and maybe I'll have some answers and advice for them...I have ta start somewhere.